Science Jokes


The chemistry student was spotted in a picket line carrying a sign that read "Free radicals now!"

The atom said to the cop "I'm positive that a free electron stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them".

About chemists strange behavior: They may be just seeking a reaction or, it may be just a quark in their nature!

It's good to keep a positive attitude or you may end up with an electron cloud over your head.

Q:What is 2 bags of cat litter, 3 cans of can food, 1 can of flea powder, and 1 collar to a chemist?                                         A: a catalyst.

Q: How many atoms in a guaamole?                    A: Avocado's number!

Florence Flask was at the opera when she suddenly turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has just stolen my joules"! "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "Keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they were stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette. We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful. He's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway.

Q: How do you make a 24 to 32 molar solution?           A:  Put dentures in water.

Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry labs?            A: Methylated spirits.

A "radical" chemist attacked a woman and kept shouting "Die, Ethyl"!

Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory? His business went insolvent.

Q: Why do white bears dissolve in water?             A: Because they are polar.

One chemistry student offered to make a buffer for his partner with potassium chloride but the student refused saying he didn't need any. Oh well, K, Cl, Cl!

The teacher said to the student who blew up his chemistry experiment, "Don't worry, oxidants happen."

Q: If H2O is water, what is H2O4?                     A: Drinking, bathing, etc.

Q: What do you get by combining Potassium, Nickel, and Iron?                    A: KNiFe

The chemist reacted to his partner who was insolvent and then dissolved their partnership.

Q: What does a chemist do with a dead body?                    A: Barium in a Krypton.

Q: What is H3NCONH3?        A: Urea           

Q: What is H3NCONH3-H3NCONH3?            A: Diurea

Q: Why do chemists love nitrates so much?                A: They're cheaper than day rates.


You might be a physicist if:

  • you have no life and you can prove it mathematically
  • you enjoy pain.
  • you chuckle when anyone says "centrifugal force"
  • you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
  • you have a pet named after a scientist.
  • you can translate English into Binary.
  • you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
  • use vectors to draw team plays.
  • you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?                                                                                         A: You may be graduated but I have many degrees.

A priest, a drunk and a physicist were condemned to die by the guillotine. The priest is led to the guillotine and his head is fastened in place. The blade is released and it stops just within an inch of his throat. "A miracle!" the crowd of spectators shout as the priest is released unharmed.

Next, the drunk is lead up the steps and is fastened with his head in the guillotine. The executioner releases the blade and it also stops within an inch of his throat. "A second miracle!" the crowd cheers, and he is released unharmed.

Finally, the physicist is led up to be executed. As he lies face up in the guillotine, he ponders the death apparatus above him. Raising his hand, moments before the executioner releases the blade, the physicist declares, "Wait, wait! ... I se what your problem is!"


    Newton's Laws of Spam:

First Law:  A slab of spam at rest will remain at rest unless it decides to get up and move. Second Law:  A slab of spam in motion will remain in motion because everyone moves out of the way when they see it coming.  Third Law : For every action involving a slab of spam, there is an equal and opposite reaction (e.g., eat spam-hurl spam).

Newton discovered inertia while on the beach. He noticed that the girls with the nicest sun tans got the most attention from the guys. After thinking about it for some time, he realized that a body in lotion tends to stray emotion.


When my teacher asked me how much my brother knew about the orbits of planets and the amount of area swept in any given time, I responded "I'm not my brother's Kepler."


Did you know that the Earth has no gravity?     The world sucks!

Newton figured out how to get the best outcomes in court. He told lawyers that they should drag their arguments out until late afternoon. The English judges in his day would never abandon their four o'clock tea time, therefore, they would bring down their gavel and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey tea. This tactic is referred to as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea.

Does gravity bring you down?


Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.


Q: What do physicists enjoy most at a football or baseball game?      A: The wave!


Q: What do you call a nun who has a sex change?     A: A trans-sister.

Q: Which kind of bear has the most static electricity?    A: Polar bears.


Q:  Where does bad light end up?       A: In a prism.

Q: What did one photon say to the other?               A: I'm tired of your interference.

Q: Why doesn't light have mass?      A: It's not Catholic.


A cation goes down to the lost and found office and says "I think I lost an electron." The secretary asked "Are you sure?" The cation replied "I'm positive!".

A neutron goes to Taco Bell for lunch and asks the cashier how much is for his order. The cashier replies "For you, no charge."

Did you hear about the student who was reading the Helium book? He couldn't put it down.

Q: How many atoms are there in a mole of guacamole?                A: Avocado's number.

Q: Why don't anions have many friends?                         A: They're negative.

Brownian motion is a jogging girl scout.

Nuclear Physics

Q: What do you call a group of physicists that grab their rods and gather around a fishing hole? 

A: Nuclear fishin'.

Quantum Mechanics

Q: What does a sick duck say?        A: Quark!         

More Weird Science

Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road?

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selectedin such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.