Medical Jokes


Actual Unedited SOAP Notes from Patient Charts:

  • On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
  • She has had no rigors or shaking chills but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  •  Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 lb weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in the ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our Cat for physical therapy.
  • Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock-broker instead.
  • Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient was seen by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  • Maybe typing Dictated But Not Edited on reports is not the best way to go, especially if it may end up in court!

Psychiatric Humor

Top 10 signs that your inner child is unhappy:

10.When your boss calls you incompetent, you reply: "I know you are, but what am I?"

9.  Spend all day sulking in your lower intestine.

8. Constantly whacking the holy hell out of the inner puppy you gave him for his birthday.

7. You get thrown out of bars for ordering Lucky Charms and milk.

6. Primal scream portion of "Bert and Ernie's Anger Managment Workshop" has kept you up three nights in a row.

5. Sudden urge to knock your morning cappuccino and bagel onto the floor.

4. You discover you have an Inner Madonna carrying your Inner Child.

3. Says she can't wait until she's 18 so she can "get the hell outta this dump."

2. You keep your therapist at bay with a Lego Uzi until gummi hear ransom is delivered.

1. Hires an inner lawyer and laps you with a $40 million inner lawsuit.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

Freud:  The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Jean-Paul Sarte:  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

John Locke:  Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus:   It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Timothy Leary:  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.