School Jokes

The following are actual school excuse notes:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school today cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Letter From School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of
anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,
a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

Reply from dad...

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget
that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can
never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

This is the message that the staff at a high school in California voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15 to 30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member,
please listen to all your options before making a selection:

"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1"

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2"

"To complain about what we do - Press 3"

"To swear at staff members - Press 4"

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5"

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6"

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7"

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8"

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9"

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0"

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the
teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"

School Lessons

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt corss the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Buddha: If you ask the question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!"

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